Watch Me!

    I was up really early this morning to drop my baby girl off for another band function.  I stopped and got some money for her and some coffee for me. That pretty much guaranteed that I would not go back to sleep  and I might get a little bit of work accomplished before Chris gets home tonight.  I put on my wind symphony music and got to work.  It's funny how my brain operates sometimes, because while I cleaned and the music resonated  through the whole lower level of the house, I found my mind wandering as it will, until finally I had to turn off the music, put down the duster, pour my fifth cup of coffee and come on here to pound it out on the keyboard.

     I do not like to ask people for help. If  I am capable, I am going to do it myself rather than ask someone to do it. On the other hand, if a person asks  for help, I am going to bend over backwards, and if I cannot, I will find someone who can.  Most of the time people don't ask, I just see that I can help them and  do it.  I am not looking for brownie points,  I don't expect anything from them, and I certainly am not going to get a bonus.  I actually like it better if very few even know what I did.  Helping other people is a very selfish , because it genuinely makes me happy.  I don't  like when people make excuses for not doing what needs done.

     On the stubborn side, I absolutely cannot tolerate people telling me what I can and cannot do. Call it my inner toddler, but my gut reaction is to do the opposite.  If someone were to say, Marcy, don't  do that, my first thought would be, "WATCH ME."   Really, I am surprised that attitude  hasn't gotten me into trouble more.  Maybe I shouldn't even admit to that flaw, lol!  I can see some of my friends now, deviously plotting different  ways they can manipulate me for their entertainment!!  A warning to my friends though, my oppositional defiance comes with a whopping side order of bitch.  Just sayin'

     Getting to the point, when it comes to other people, I am willing to go the extra mile,  to go out of my way to make things better, to make people happier,  to give my time and energy without excuses. In helping other people, my attitude is always "Watch me!"   Why is it that I cannot seem to do that with my own wants and needs?

      I  talk  too much, but you would be surprised at  how  much of myself  I keep hidden. I walk around with my head up, acting like I own the whole place,  shoulders back like I am  strong and fearless, and yet it is just a shield of  protection.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of looking foolish, has kept me from developing deeper friendships, trying new things, expressing myself in a more honest way.
What I want  now is for that defiant inner child to kick in, so that when I tell myself I can't do something, she will put her hands on her hips, stick out her chin and say "WATCH ME!"

I can't lose the weigh, its too hard ...WATCH ME
I can't give up the beer, I need it to relax... WATCH ME
I can't work on my art, its not good enough, I dont have the time... WATCH ME
I can't learn to play an instrument, Im too old.... WATCH ME
I can't run in a marathon, people will laugh at me... WATCH ME
I can't show people all of myself, they  will reject me... WATCH ME

     It's funny that as a  person who has so little tolerance for excuses, I have let fear become my greatest  excuse for not becoming  the person I would like to be.  I wore a Ray Ban tee shirt to school on Friday that read "Never Hide".   It seems so hypocritical to wear it, but I love that shirt, the motto is like a goal.  As a helpful hypocrite, I tried to convince one of my friends of their own worth, that even when taking care of  the things they were responsible for,  they should pursue  things that make them happy too.

     Well,  I want to stop hiding, to stop being afraid, to stop making excuses for not doing the things that I want to.  Each time I catch myself  thinking that I can't,  I'm going to practice, "WATCH ME!"